There is a tree in my living room!

My mommy says this tree has something to do with celebrating this guy Jesus and his birthday, but I don't think she knows what a tree has to do with that either. I like to chew on the tree. I like to knock the tree over.

It was so weird that toys for me were hanging off this tree too! I didn't know that trees could grow toys. But this one can and I don't know how because it's made of synthetic materials...I am no dummy. I know it isn't real. So I started taking toys off this Jesus tree and played with them all over our apartment. Then I got in trouble. My mommy said I was a thief! I thought those toys were meant for me. Maybe they belong to Jesus. Why does Jesus get to have all the fun? What did he ever do?

My mommy just said I am going to hell for that. That won't be for a while because I'm almost one and I haven't even used any of my lives yet.

Oh well. As I struggle to understand this holiday thing that is going on, I wish you a Merry Christmas. Here is what I learned about Christmas:

1. Shopping is horrible because people are rude and can't drive worth a shit. That's what my mommy said.

2. Christmas must be magical because my mommy, who does nothing but e-mail, will actually spend money on stamps to mail out little cards that go in envelopes. It makes no sense!

3. It is making my ass fat. Again, something I heard my mommy say. I don't know what that means.

4. I am not allowed to go to my grandparents' house because they aparently have a really big Jesus tree that I apparently can't be trusted to be around. I can't imagine how big it must be, but I bet it's full of many toys!

5. It makes people crazy. My mommy and daddy are buying things for each other, then wrapping them in paper and hiding them. They are not saying what these items are, or how much they cost. My parents never do things like this! They never make purchases without consulting one another first. I don't know what is going on. It's bedlam!

6. Don't even get me started on what my humans did with two garden gnomes...that's going to be for another post about this thing I really don't understand called "Secret Santa." Apparently this Santa guy is so secret because he's watching me and sees everything I do and that is directly related to whether my tree grows more presents or I get a lump of cold. What is cold? I am a housecat, I know not of such a thing. Oh, coal, my mommy says. Whatever.

Merry Christmas! And Happy Birthday Jesus!

I think I will be a toy critic now

I bet Petco would pay me a lot of money for this. My humans keep saying I need to get a job but I already have one -- I work as my mommy's personal assistant. I help her write every day. I help her by sitting next to her laptop and by knocking things over to distract her from her work. I don't think she should work that hard.

Anyway...I just like to play. I don't think anyone should work hard at all. I'm a hardcore player. And these are my favorite new cat toys! My mommy says I'm supercute when I play with them. They are so fun! I can wrestle a cat crazy, I can dive bomb it, I can make up my own game with it, I can smack it around like it's my little bitch -- because it is! I like to bite them with my mouth. I like to smack them underneath the stove, you know, where all good toys end up. My mommy makes them flip around and I like to chase them. So it's a cool toy we can play with together. If I can get her away from the laptop, she's a pretty hardcore player too.

So if you are going Christmas shopping for your kitty, make sure you buy these. You can afford them; they're cheap. We cats do know when you clean out our special toys from behind the fridge for re-gifting. That's so tacky.

Buy your cat crazies ASAP!